It's been a while

I was awake at 3 am a few days/nights ago and realized its been a while since I last posted on here. I logged in and my last post was from May 19th or something like that. Wow that's a long time ago.

Now that its almost Christmas and then comes New Years its a time for reflection and lots of thinking. I know I was boring in creative writing and I wrote for the likes and comments, many of which I didn't get and that's fine with me. Now I write for myself and my heart that's pounding a little too hard and I feel so vulnerable. I learned how to be vulnerable from writing.

I'll keep posting stuff, but I don't know how often it'll be on here. I have a new blog at nevergrowup382.wordpress.com if you wanna check that out.

Here's to never growin' up

the end is actually here. everyone is discussing their summer plans. the seniors are talking about what they'll do after graduation: going on missions, going to college, a scholarship here and a scholarship there . . . 

but i won't be a part of those things because i'm just a junior right now. 

my heart tells me it's so ready to be done with school and it's ready to move on to other things. it says it's ready for long late nights and playing and having fun and going on adventures that make it pound and beat rapidly. but my mind says something totally different. 

my mind says make time go slower, it's not ready for this. stop time and hold onto this moment forever. make it last a little longer. it's not ready for being mature and moving on to those responsibilities. 

i just can't do it. i'm just a kid! i can't grow up! 

SO HERE'S TO NEVER GROWIN' UP 

here's to the long nights and wild parties 

here's to the ridiculous things we said 

here's to the time we spent watching Disney movies with our families 

here's to the times we all wished we were grown up already 

here's to the secret crushes  

the first kisses   

the sweet 16's 

here's to the first jobs and first day of work 

here's to that first job application we filled 

here's to that school dance we were so excited about with that one special person 

 

here's to the sun getting hotter  

                    nights getting longer 

                    hair getting lighter 

                    skin getting darker 

and for all of us who haven't lost it: 

HERE'S TO NEVER GROWIN' UP

don't forget to remember

i remember meeting my best friend in kindergarten.  
i remember when i dropped out of dance when i was 6. now i really wish i hadn't done that. 
i remember the time i licked a stop sign just because i wanted to be crazy. 
i remember delivering the Homecoming Game Ball on horseback(yes that was me) 
i remember rock jumping at Rampart Reservoir in Colorado. 
i remember hiking the Incline and then finding out it was technically illegal.  

i remember when i almost fell off a horse. it scared me to death and i cried and i was angry. i was scared of horses for a while and told myself i'd never ride again.  

i remember all the nights i cried myself to sleep because one of my best friends was moving and i got all worked up and thought that i would never see him again.  

i remember when i first said i hated people. 
i remember when i read a book in an hour and 15 minutes. it was a Magic Treehouse book, Lions at Lunchtime. 
i remember telling myself i wasn't going to graduate. 

i remember the first time i sassed my math teacher. he could not believe those things could possibly come out of such a seemingly quiet girls' mouth. but i said it and i'm not taking it back. 

i remember when someone thought my henna was an actual tattoo. 
i remember how much i loved pancakes and milk and peanut butter. 
i remember falling in love with the idea of never growing up. that's still my plan. 

i remember one summer night when my cousins came to visit and we drove our old suburban on the highway with the windows down. we sang the lyrics to every Taylor Swift song we knew at the top of our lungs.

You can't catch lightning

lightning flashes across the sky, it rips the sky apart with each fork 
it intriguers me; coming and going 
I want to catch it and keep one little fork in a bottle 
But as hard as I try, I will never be able to catch lightning 

Someone once told me that lightning never strikes the same place twice 
But I didn't believe them. I couldn't believe them. 
I mean, that couldn't really be possible . . . could it? 
But you can't catch lightning 

Lightning inspires me; its the one earthly phenomenon that truly fascinates me 
Lightning is heaven'sIf the handwriting, all jagged and spidery  
Each fork in unique and different 
But I will never catch lightning  

If the Earth is female, what does that make lightning? 
Is it male or female? 
Does anybody know? 
Lightning is "nigh uncatchable" 

Lightning is THE free spirit 
Lightning will run forever 
But as hard as you try, you will never catch lightning 

But you can't catch lightning 

lightning 

Lightning 

LIGHTNING 

But you can't catch lightning

I would die for . . .

There are some things that you just can't let go of. No matter what you do you just can't let go. Sometimes it's people. Sometimes it's places. Sometimes it's physical objects. And then sometimes it's feelings.  

We all have  one. Maybe more than one. Most likely more than one. And that's because we all have a heart. 

How is it that so much can depend on one organ about the size of your fist? It's so small, yet it encompasses so much. The things that matter to us in our lives, the things we work so hard for, the things we would be willing to die for, the things we live for . . . 

"Find something to die for and then live for it."

The night I almost died

There have been plenty of times that I've been involved in things that have ended up changing me. Not all of those times have been good situations. This story is from one of those times.   

   Last summer I went down to Hurricane, a little "Hick town" on the way to St. George. Lots of my Dad's side of the family lives there. My cousins Taylor and Ceanna invited my brother and I to a bonfire. Taylor's boyfriend Callin and Brock, a friend of their's, picked us up on the way.   

  We drove out to where the bonfire would be and there were already lots of people. One boy, Jimmy, ran by Callin's truck and asked us where the spray paint cans were. Now spray paint cans are seriously flammable. Jimmy was known for getting in trouble and being on drugs. Little did we know, but Jimmy was on drugs that night.  

   Not long after that, Jimmy found the spray paint  cans and threw a few of them on the bonfire. Taylor had Callin come move his truck because it was really close to the fire. These two guys got bored so they threw a couch on. Yeah, the things  that happen in small "hick towns." The couch totally exploded, making the fire really really hot. Callin had to move his truck even further away so nothing would happen to it. 

Jimmy got ahold of some more spray paint cans and threw them on the fire. One of these was close enough to the fire to ignite but still far enough away that it was kind of close to us. The can spun in a circle, a moving ball of fire. Ceanna and I vaulted out of the truck and took off in the opposite direction of the fire. 

We ended up giving Jimmy a ride home that night. We at least know that he got home safe that night, but we can't speak for anything that happened after we left. Taylor got a text a minute or so later that one of the other boys that had shown up to the bonfire had ended up getting shot and was in the E. R. The bullet passed by all of the vital organs, but its a miracle the kid os even alive. My cousin Taylor was really worried because she's pretty good friends with that kid and lots of sketchy things happened that night.  

Taylor told me later that if she'd known that Jimmy was going to show up at the bonfire, she wouldn't have said anything about going because she knew how much trouble Jimmy was.

Here I am, this is me

I asked my friends to describe the real me and these are their responses:

Sabrina Lindsley: Full of light and goodness, kind, compassionate, very wise and thoughtful and intelligent; a softness and gentleness; reliable and helpful;giving, spiritual and insightful with things pertaining to the gospel; cheerful and easygoing yet a strong and brave person. One of my favorite memories was a few years ago at girls camp singing all those old classic songs with you.  
Emily McFadden: Smart, caring, loyal, friendly, a good writer, kind, funny. You're a great leader. 
Cammi Reagan:strong willed, Once your mind is set on something, it's hard to derail you. You've got spirit in you. You dance in the rain and laugh as you walk through snow piles. You have a great sense of humor.You see the world as an adventure. You're strong, you're curious. You can always see the stars at night. You're complex. You're always there for your friends and family. 
Cadha Bowman: Secretly sassy, or hilarious, wonderful, loyal 
Anna Hansen: sweetest thing there ever was, bright spirit about you, you brighten up the room with your smile. creative and beautiful I'm so happy that I know you! spiritual and inspirational 
Becky Anderson:loyal, trustworthy friend, wise beyond you're years, light of goodness and love, without guile, adores family, first to volunteer, not afraid to do hard things, smart, takes studies seriously, moving to Utah as a teenager and leaving friends behind was hard, however you have made the most of it! 
Rachel Patterson: intelligent, humble, and soft spoken, love to write and have a creative mind, friendly to everyone, observant and also willing to help without complaining 
Hayley Chadwick: sweet, caring, nice, smart, and thoughtful 
Taylor Jones: quiet(until you get to know you), determined, thoughtful, spiritual, funny, loves animals, enthusiastic, fun-loving 
Hope Welch:quiet, but super fun once you get to know you, great friend, loyal, super duper kind, reaaaallyyyy smart, very considerate of others 
Bailey Raban: Magical :) 
Teagan Clegg: sweet, loving and kind! 
Gabi Aragon: at first you're very shy, but once someone gets to know you, you're so funny and crazy, secretly sassy and come up with hilarious comments on the spot, so kind and you love everyone, you never say anything negative about anyone else, willing to serve those around you, an extremely loyal friend, supportive, love to write and take the time to notice people 
Emily Niederhauser: just really funny memories that I could never forget 
Paige Peper: funny, sweet, you can rock a hair wrap, you like to do fun different creative things like fairy gardens and cow-pie clocks 
Faith Jensen: pleasant to be around,good listener, very sweet, peaceful quiet presence, smile is really genuine, feels deeply about friendships 
Ashley Porcelli: kind, likes to make people comfortable, great sense of humor, brings a good spirit and feeling about, appreciates people for who they are, loves to laugh 
Abb'ey Volden: Narnia, Fantastic writer, my best friend, Colorado girl 
Amy Miller: super sweet and always kind, so cool for having moved here later than everybody else/ not growing up with everybody- still so friendly 
Rachel Wagner: fun to be around,happy, positive, always tries hard(even when nobody wants to dance), fun-loving, not afraid to be yourself 
Kelli Packer: Electric 
Kamdyn Larsen: kind, fun, soft spoken, compassionate, intelligent, faithful, passionate, calm,loving, obedient, willing, teachable               

  i really do have a wild side

 

 

Here I am. This is me. 

-ivy shumway

Never have I ever

 Know how lots of people create lists of firsts they've had?  

Maybe for assignments 

or just to get the creative juices flowing? 

Well, I haven't had a lot of firsts  

but maybe someday I will. 

1. Never have I ever kissed a boy

2. Never have I ever been on a date where the guy asked   

3. Never have I ever read Twilight-and hope I never will  

4. Never have I ever enjoyed a romance book/movie 

5. Never have I ever been a fast runner 

6. Never have I ever skipped school 

7. Never have I ever had a boyfriend-i've had guy friends, but never a boyfriend 

8. Never have I ever been good at art 

9. Never have I ever been outside the U.S. 

10. Never have I ever played hockey 

11. Never have I ever published a book 

12. Never have I ever owned a mammal as a pet 

13. Never have I ever jumped out of an airplane 

14. Never have I ever had a nose ring 

15. Never have I ever been married 

16. Never have I ever successfully hiked a 14er 

17. Never have I ever been hunting 

18. Never have I ever not had a cousin 

19. Never have I ever stolen anything 

20. Never have I ever read Moby Dick

A letter to Death

Dear Dear, 

I've been hearing that people are afraid of you. You sneak up on them and steal them. You tease  

people who are sick, the old and the young. You are always watching everyone. I've heard that you

 gamble with God for the souls of the living. You lie. You cheat. You always think you can win. But

 seem to times where you get really close to getting a souls and then you lose it. Sometimes you lose.

 Sometimes you win. But you see, this game of yours isn't going to end. As long as you and God are 

both around, this isn't over. Some people may be afraid of you, but not me. I know that you'll find me 

someday, but today is not that day. 

Sinceraly, 

Me

The fears I can't conquer

for a long time i was never scared of anything.   

 

     or at least i didn't think i was.  

          but then i got older. i read things and thought different things. and things happened that happened to me before. and suddenly, i was scared of everything 

 . . .of forgetting a day of my life 

of waking up where i hadn't fallen asleep-not like sleep walking 

not of the dark, but what's IN it 

of being lost in the woods at night and not knowing what anything is 

of being blind-like the lady in Wait Until Dark 

of learning from a doctor that i'm dying 

of losing everything that matters most to me  

of not being able to forget something you need to

of being completely alone and not recovering from a seizure  . . . 

and that's not all. the list goes on and on. a handful of these i have actually experienced. 

and i could  never wish them upon my worst enemy.  

not that i "wouldn't" wish it upon someone else, or that i "shouldn't", but that i couldn't ever.

 

 

      

 

wanderlust

i don't know if i could really tell you what its like to be human. i haven't known anything else, so i couldn't tell you what that's like. but i'll try.  

 being human is being afraid, falling and scraping your knees, getting frustrated and crying. it's realizing that you aren't alone-ever. but also being completely alone.

it's having internal struggles that never seem to end.  

being human is being in pain, having medical emergencies, and being in situations that are less than ideal. some things you just can't control. try as you might, but maybe Someone Else has a better plan for you. 

being human is that feeling of your stomach dropping. the fluttery feeling when you're uneasy about something but you don't know what it is. how you're antsy and just can't keep still. that's human. 

 human is having that gut determination to do something and never give up. being human is giving up too. it's realizing that you have three choices in life: to give up, give in, or give it all you've got.  

human is the feeling of  wanderlust-having a strong impulse to wander and travel, wishing to be somewhere you can never go.

#different

So that's what they call a family
Mother daughter father son
Guess that everything you heard about is true
So you ain't got any family
Well, who said you needed one
Ain't ya glad nobody's waiting up for you
When I dream on my own
I'm alone but I ain't lonely
For a dreamer nights the only time of day
When the city's finally sleeping and my thoughts begin to stray
And I'm on the train that's bound for Santa Fe
And I'm free like the wind
Like I'm gonna live forever
It's a feeling time can never take away
All I need's a few more dollars
And I'm outta here to stay
Dreams comes true, yes they do
In Santa Fe
Where does it say you gotta live and die here
Where does it say a guy can't catch a break
Why should you only take what your given
Why should you spend your whole life livin'
Trapped where there ain't no future even at 17
Breaking your back for someone else's sake
If the life don't seem to suit ya how bout a change of scene
Far from the lousy headlines and the deadlines in between
Santa Fe, are you there
Do you swear you won't forget me
If I found you would you let me come and stay
I ain't getting any younger
and before my dying day
I want space, not just air
Let them laugh in my face
I don't care
Save my place
I'll be there
So that's what they call a family
Ain't ya glad you ain't that way
Ain't ya glad you've got a dream called
Santa Fe

Read more:  Newsies - Santa Fe Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

I felt like this may be a little bit different. The world of Newsies is one of my favorite. And this is where I'd rather be right now.

All hero's cry

"All hero's cry, not because they are weak, but because they have been strong too long." 

It's okay to cry. Some of the strongest people in the world cry. It isn't a sign of weakness. It doesn't mean that you can't handle the battles you fight. In fact, it means the opposite. It means that you're strong. It means that you are, in fact, human. You are in touch with your emotional side. You're healthy. 

You can be a hero. You can be your own hero. Superman may not come come swooping in to carry you off to paradise. I mean he might. I don't know him. 
But whatever happens, don't give up. 

People look attractive when they cry. You and I are among them.  

 

For one more day . . .

Little box of color

Those were the days when things didn't matter. There was no homework. There was little responsibility. There was a rainbow at our fingertips. If something terrible happened, we always knew it would be okay. Nothing lasted forever. We could get another if something ran out. Or it could be fixed.

But not anymore.

We don't have that little box of color.
We aren't free anymore.
We don't get nap time.

Now we have homework and tests and things matter. Our worlds shatter when something goes wrong. We have to be adults and we have work and responsibility.  We have challenges and we must push on.
But please, big, hard, adult world. Give me one more day. One day to be little again and to play and create. To not worry about what people think. Just one more day. Just one. That's all I need.

For one more day . . .

Wheat bread

It seems like all the days are blurring together. I go to school 5 out of 7 days. I do homework 6 out of 7 days. I daydream about being somewhere else 7 out of 7 days. 

But there are things I see and smell that I haven't  stopped to spend time with. 
Wheat bread and worn out shoes. 

Recently, for some unknown reason, my hair has smelled like wheat bread. I know that sounds really gross, but this time it was good. It smelled like fresh baked bread. The kind my mom used to bake. It reminded me of days during summer vacation. Days when I would wake up and come down to breakfast. Then I'd hear the wheat grinder and know that Mom was making bread. I'd watch as the wheat would be poured in, then sucked into the chamber. 
When the timer rang, Mom would pull the loaves out of the oven. When they were cooled, she would cut them and make us sandwiches. 

Like a ton of bricks

I hate being sick.

My head feels like a ton of bricks. This headache just won't go away. I've taken medicine and tried to rest, but nothing seems to help.  My head just pounds and pounds. It feels like its going to explode.

My throat hurts too.  I keep coughing and I can't breathe.

I just hate being sick.

I know I'll get better, but right now I don't remember what not being sick feels like.
I have stuff to do, so I'll drag myself out of bed and get to work. I can sleep later.

I hate being sick. Everything feels so heavy; like a ton of bricks.

I won't say I'm in love

What does it mean to be "in love?"  

Does anyone actually know? Do they actually understand? 

I don't know. I don't understand. 

I've heard it described as magical or confusing; intense or slow and soft. Maybe startling or a little too planned out. 

There's loads of love stories out there. But they all seem to have to same plot: girl and boy meet. They grow to like each other a lot. They grow super close. They kiss and its really gushy and gross. Why is that kind of story so common? 

But in the end I still don't understand what love is. There is no true way to describe it. Is love a noun, verb or adjective? Is it all three? Is it not even one of those? I DON'T KNOW! 

Will  I understand it when I grow up or get older? Will I even want to understand? 

Until I know for sure, I think I'm safe to say, "I won't say I'm in love."

Opening the Book of Me just a little more

Sometimes when we talk about opening up or being real, we say that we're an "open book." And I feel like I haven't been doing that very well. So I'm gonna try it. 

• I don't think I know how to dance but other people say I'm really good 
• I'd rather go barefoot than wear shoes 
• One of my hobbies is to sit and watch thunderstorms 
• I think lightning is one of the prettiest nature phenomena 
• I despise romance novels 
• I want to go into a field that studies wild animals 
• I'm never gonna grow up 
• I'd rather listen to country music than anything else 
• I think iPhones are overrated. If you have one I don't think any less of you 
• I make cowpie clocks for fun

The hats we wear

I never really liked the idea of wearing a hat. I don't like hats. Except cowboy hats. Those ones I like. The wider brim and they fit just right. Not too snug, but they're hard to knock off someone's head. They don't come off very easily when the wind blows over the rich dark earth. 
But . . . I don't really like hats. I like my hair to be free. Rocking that wind-swept look and then it all blowing back in my face. I don't want it to be trapped under a hat. Let it be free. Going wild. Taking a chance. Who cares if its a bad hair day? I certainly don't!

intro

i'm one of those people who isn't super easy to understand. more often than not the first impression i give is the total opposite of who i really am. so i thought i'd be real to avoid giving a false message. 
my name is jesse tuck. 
i'm 104 years old, but i call it 17. 
i've moved more times than i can count. 
the love of my life passed away many years ago. 
i enjoy traveling the world. 
i have my own eiffel tower and its two feet higher than the one in paris. 
my family and i live forever, but i can't tell you how or why because its extremely dangerous. some of us don't want to live forever because it isn't normal; its not how life should be. dying is a part of life. my family and i will never know what that's like. but we can't do anything about it. we can't change it.